I Remember

Do you remember when you broke my heart?
The night was hot and humid
But we sat in your truck
Drowning in our sweat
Ignoring the heat
Do you remember how I cried?
How I screamed
And called you ugly things?
Do you remember when you broke my heart?
Did you know
I tried to cut you out with a kitchen knife
Hoping you and all of the pain you caused would disappear
But only blood flowed from my wrist
And stained with crimson and tears that just would not stop falling
I was a worse mess than before
I found myself staring down at the bottom of a bottle
Talking all night to Cuervo
-as if he understood, as if he cared-
Until vomit interrupted my speech
And sobs took over my body
Do you remember when you broke my heart?
How you shattered it to pieces in my drive way
And then drove off into the moonlight
Unaware of how I would marred by this betrayal
You might have forgotten
But I carry it with me
Everyday, I remember how you broke my heart

Not Today

I tried to cut today
My heart was heavy
But when the knife licked my skin
Something strange happened
For the first time, it would seem
I felt the pain of the metal bite
And the blood
- it was only just a tiny bubble -
Was far more frightening than all of my fears
So with shaking, shocked fingers
I pulled my long time friend away
Go home
I said
Tucking him back into the closet
There will be no cutting today

Set a Lantern, I'll be Back

You wonder where she has disappeared to
Have you checked the meadows?
She likes to pick flowers when her heart is sad
And she loves to hide in beautiful things
But maybe she's not just sad...
Maybe she's dark right now
And so she goes to dark places
Just to get away
Just to find herself
Her footprints can probably be found in the mud
But don't venture after her
It wouldn't do for you both to be lost
Instead, light a lantern and put it at the edge of the shadows
Wait for her
She'll come back
She always does.

To live

I rather burn than be cold
Drown instead of float
All the things that can kill me
I want to stare in the eye
Press my lips against theirs
And inhale their life
And if it's poison to my lungs
I don't mind suffocating 
I don't mind dying

Love...

Love is a very strange thing
A thing I don't particularly enjoy
Not all the time anyway
But despite its mild annoyances
And occassional miseries
I cannot shake it
Not entirely
It lingers like a shadow
Or the smell of burnt sugar
Something sweet turned bitter
It is tempermental
Selfish
Not very gentle
A wave crashing on a rock
Beautifully painful

How Unfortunate.

It would seem that no one is really reading my blog... Of course, it is still relatively new and discovery and loyalty is things that generally take a while for a blog to obtain. All the same, it makes me a tad bit sad. I don't just want to put my words out there, I want to share them with people. I want to give them and have them be received, not fallen through fingers that do not exist and stepped on by feet that have not even wandered here... Ah, but is this not the poetic struggle? Is this not the plight of the writer? Even though no one is reading, I won't stop writing. I can't. Words are life. And for my sake, I need to keep breathing. 

I Walk Through the Valley

It seems like every step I take
Is a step away from you
And it's true
I chase after the things that only seem to break me
Ignoring the One who created me
Because I lost faith that He could save me
Not because He's powerless or heartless
But because I'm stubborn
And I much prefer the burn of the world
Instead of the love of the Lord
And even though I'm dying
I pretend that I'm living
I drink
I smoke
I party
I joke
Anything to keep the demons at bay
Yet I walk in the darkness
Forgetting that this is they love to play

Coming Home, Broken Pieces and All

My pieces are broken and tattered
But you call my name still
Ashamed and embarrassed by my filth
I turn my face from you
But you, God, pull gently at my heart
You remind me that I was created in your image
And tell me that I am beautiful
But my sin blinds me from my worth
And I find it difficult to believe
That the God of the universe could love me
Scum of the earth
And yet still
You pursue me as if I mean the world to you
And maybe I do
Because you fought the world for me
And you, God, sent Christ to die for me
And he did it so selflessly
And just as you raised him from death's clenches
You too have promised to raise me
My legs are weak
But here I do not need to stand
At the cross, I lay myself down
If to die is to live, then kill me now
Because I've walked alone
And I'm ready to come home

Words from Martine

"I want someone to read these words and understand me. For just one second so I'm not alone with my thoughts"

- Christy Ann Martine

the Uglies

Recently, someone made a comment about my poetry. It's a little dark, she said. I would have to agree. It is a little dark. Sometimes even painful and uncomfortable. It makes you think about things you rather not and occassionally, it beckons the demons we try so hard to surpress. So why do I write this dark stuff? Because it's my way of confronting the Uglies. If I don't call them out, they'll always be there, lurking in the shadows of my heart and mind. Now, just so you know, not everything I write is dark and depressing. Stick around and you might just see something positive and uplifting real soon. Or not. I am a slave to the pen, afterall, and there is never a guarantee of where the strokes may lead.

Sticks and stones

Broken bones 

And bleeding souls

I look around and am blinded by the tragedy 

It's a mystery

The world's still spinning 

When everywhere our brothers and sisters are dying

Am I lying

Or can you just not see

The decay and despair

Polluting the air

With every inhale

We're one breath closer to hell.

The Reason

There is freedom in words, so I write. I write when I'm happy, when I'm mad, when I'm hopeless, when I'm sad. I write when I'm confused and searching for answers. I write when the world is ugly and when it's beautiful. I write like my life depends on it, because sometimes it does. I write to free myself. I write to find myself. God gave me these words and now I'm giving them to you. And so the journey begins...